Jane and I — A fictional alter ego

Le texte que vous allez lire n’est pas un récit anodin. Il mêle témoignage personnel, analyse historique et réflexion critique sur la non-conformité. Entre 19 et 24 ans, j’ai vécu une forme d’exclusion sexuelle/affective entretenue par mes pairs et mes refus qui va culminer d’abord sous la forme d’une réunion clandestine à l’université, puis un moment de résilience majeur avec la « bonne personne » à 26 ans. Dans ces pages, je décris avec une grande honnêteté :

– Des anecdotes intimes et relationnelles

– Des scènes d’humiliation publique et de stigmatisation

– Des comparaisons avec des pratiques historiques (procès en impuissance, femmes tondues à la Libération)

Ce texte est réservé à un public adulte ou jeune adulte solide : les thèmes abordés sont durs, même s’ ils s’inscrivent dans une logique d’analyse et de compréhension d’un phénomène social à l’échelle individuelle. Un adolescent ou un lecteur trop jeune pourrait en tirer des conclusions fausses ou anxiogènes.

⚠️ À lire donc avec la maturité nécessaire, en gardant à l’esprit que ce texte ne décrit pas une règle générale, mais mon expérience exceptionnelle face à une mécanique sociale déviante.

The text you are about to read is not a trivial story. It combines personal testimony, historical analysis, and critical reflection on nonconformity. Between the ages of 19 and 24, I experienced a form of sexual/affective exclusion that was co-perpetuated by my peers and my own refusals, culminating first in a clandestine meeting at university, then in a moment of major resilience with the “right person” at the age of 26. In these pages, I describe with great honesty:

– Intimate and relational anecdotes

– Scenes of public humiliation and stigmatization

– Comparisons with historical practices (impotence trials, women having their heads shaved during the Liberation)

This text is intended for mature adults or young adults: the topics covered are difficult, even if they are part of an analysis and understanding of a social phenomenon on an individual level. A teenager or reader who is too young could draw false or anxiety-provoking conclusions.

⚠️ It should therefore be read with the necessary maturity, bearing in mind that this text does not describe a general rule, but my exceptional experience of a distorted social mechanism.

English version

Jane

A small piece to discuss Jane — 1984 movie Threads character — and why she matters to me following my past essays on Threads that you can find on Medium too :

When I first watched Threads a few years ago, I was shocked by two things : the way everything fell apart the year after the attack with a total sense of normalcy and how disgusting was the portrayal of the young girl Jane in the movie. In Threads, Jane is a young girl born the year following the nuclear exchange from a woman named Ruth.

Jane in the later scenes of the movie

The last scenes of the movie follow her steps across a destroyed United Kingdom a decade after the nuclear exchange. When reading critics and opinions on the movie online, I was appalled by how a movie supposed to warn against inhumanity, was in fact a pretence to post and promote disgusting comments about an innocent character — even if fictional. Like I said in my last essay “Some deep thoughts on Threads” :

“Regarding the idea of treating the survivors as “human wrecks”, what the filmmakers did (or tried to do) with the character of Jane is not acceptable. A young girl working and coordinating with others (working in the fields, recycling clothes as part of a coordinated activity — instructions, collective work, dexterity — stealing food, looking for a hospital, etc.), is presented as if her brain had potentially “melted” under the effect of radiation. This poses a major problem for us, regardless of the character’s age, whether or not they are fictional, or their gender. What is at stake here is a whole way of conceiving a person’s humanity. A problem in a classic work of fiction, an unacceptable fact in a movie with academic and scientific credentials that claims to be realistic.

Jane’s behavior in the film sums up the whole problem of Threads: telling the opposite of what is shown on screen. It’s quite simple. Concerning her: on screen, nothing indicates a mental deficiency.

The childbirth scene at the end of the film was produced with this perverse and dubious aim: to transform a relatively vulnerable young girl (very young, having lost her mother and without loved ones, in a relatively complex environment) into proof of the terminal decline of humanity, in a pre-war town with a hospital and public lighting in certain streets. A fictional young girl — according to the images in the film itself — perfectly normal, hardworking and capable, but silent and discreet, who must amount to only one thing according to the filmmakers (despite all the visual evidence in their film): a non-person, something worthless, a piece of human debris, an incapacitated uterus.”

I felt it was important in my essay “UK 1985–1994 : explaining the narrative jump in Threads (1984)” to assess what were the conditions of living and growth of this character within the movie universe. As I wrote in this long section :

“Addressing the end scene of Threads is important too. Contrary to a common belief : miscarriage or stillbirth are common things even by modern standards. The nuclear exchange was more than a decade ago, and Ruth was already pregnant before the nuclear exchange. Jane’s birth occurred several months after it. Set apart the way she speaks English (something cultural and shared by other children), Jane displays no external signs of physical unfitness. Many things could have been at play (not addressed by the movie). For example the total absence of medical check-up and ultrasound to assess the health of the baby during the pregnancy. The fact that the “optimal” age to be pregnant is generally considered to be between 20s-30s for women. Jane was only 13 when she decided to move to the makeshift hospital to give birth. It’s worth noting that the pregnancy was probably the result of when she was assaulted and raped by another boy after stealing bread.”

Barely discussed in critics/reviews : the fact is that the fictional young character is objectified as a broken reproductive system. The fact too is that we share, in some way, several common straits together. That’s why I can’t be indifferent to how she is treated both in the movie and in critics/reviews. While not as dramatic as the fate of this young girl in the movie, the fact is that I “survived” in some way a difficult period in my life. So, let’s discuss frankly what it means for a real person–like Jane in the movie–to be publicly summarized to its core sexual components.

19–24

Between the ages of 19 and 24, I was excluded from what could be called the dating market, simply because I had been automatically excluded from the sexual world by my peers — and for a long time I believed that this was related to my virginity, even though it actually had nothing to do with it. My expectation at the time — and still today — was to build a serious relationship. I have nothing against spontaneity, but I never wanted to engage sexually with someone if I didn’t feel a real connection that went beyond just sex. The fact is, I also refused to bow to absurd rules, such as being forced to accept anything and everything on the pretext that I was a young man. The best I could do to avoid being publicly targeted because of my virginity was to lie and appear confident. I found myself stuck for several reasons. Admit my inexperience and my desire for a sincere relationship? Impossible, even ridiculous. Admit my inexperience and agree to “fix the problem”? Impossible without betraying my principles. Lying and embellishing? Not very solid, a little childish, but at least it avoided direct attacks in public. The context wasn’t right, and I was under too much scrutiny: I couldn’t even have done what I did at 26, telling my partner frankly before the intercourse.

Who am I in terms of relationships? I think it goes back to my childhood. There were three significant events that shaped my views on the subject:

When I was young, I was asked several times what I wanted in terms of intimacy or my love life, and I would say, “I want to be with someone, but that’s all.” One day, I was asked about marriage and what I would do: “Something simple, just her and me, in a simple place.”
A fairly mundane memory, but one that I can now analyze with my adult eyes: my ability to attract people by breaking the usual social codes. It was in middle school. I managed to charm the “queen bee” and spend some time with her. It’s a funny story, because for the first time at that time, I was at the back of the class — I arrived late — I was next to the most popular girl, we started talking spontaneously, we laughed, she told me I was cute, we started hugging each other and looking at each other when we were on the bench.
One last “small” memory (from elementary school) that may explain my fondness for atypical profiles. This young girl is seen as strange by others. The boys don’t hang out with her. I overheard two adults talking about “a problem.” She’s pretty, but the others avoid her, so she has to hang out with her only friend. Surprisingly, she knows my name. Twice, she says “Hi Simon” with a big smile. I don’t dare respond to her, wanting to be like everyone else.

I think my relationship with women is guided by what I read when I was younger (rightly or wrongly). And more specifically by my “literary mother” from my youth: Virginie Despentes. One of my sisters introduced me to her. I was skeptical at first, but she became my intellectual compass as a teenager and then as a young adult, and probably unconsciously after that. The first few pages of “King Kong Theory” provoked a strong reaction in me — I was perhaps 15 or 16 years old, and I found the words a bit harsh and shocking, especially about men — but I decided to continue reading to the end. I finished the book convinced by the author’s style, ideas, and raw honesty about men and women, and I bought her other books, some of which I reread several times (such as “Les Jolies Choses”). We have one thing in common: we both come from Nancy. My favorite novel? “Les chiennes savantes”. What I like about Virginie Despentes’ writing is her frankness about intimacy, sexuality, male/female relationships, and her eternal respect for excluded or marginalized female figures. Virginie Despentes herself experienced marginalization at a young age. I read her novel and saw the film “Baise-moi”: I loved and respected the author’s unfiltered frankness about male-female relationships.

Like her, I also had psychiatric problems related to psychosis when I was younger. At the time, there was talk of taking Risperdal, which is generally used to combat symptoms similar to schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and mood disorders in the broadest sense. As an adult, I have to temporarily resume treatment a few months after an episode of extreme fatigue. I was not under treatment anymore when I was 19–24 years old.

I think another author has profoundly influenced my relationship with sexuality. That author is Sigmund Freud. One summer, as a teenager, I read his book “Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality,” published in 1905. I have always been sexual, like everyone else, but these three essays — considered the most significant contribution to the study of this field since their publication — opened up a whole new realm of intellectual and personal introspection for me. Published at a time when discussing sexuality was scandalous and a major taboo, Freud broke down barriers for the benefit of all and for a better understanding of an essential — if not central — component of human nature: sexuality. These three essays taught me a great deal about understanding and consolidating a coherent sexual/emotional identity in an individual. In his three essays, Freud first discusses deviance (“Sexual Aberrations”) and then childhood and adolescent sexuality (“Child Sexuality” and “The Reconfigurations of Puberty”). Unconsciously, it is perhaps through reading these essays that I myself am learning to reshape my approach to sexuality. My need for consistency in the form of this equation.

Serious relationship + Integrated sexuality

Whatever could have been done from my side : nothing could have erased this stigma. Everything was perceived as disgusting by my peers (men and women) : talking or not talking to a woman, being alone or being with someone, saying “no” or “yes” to someone… In the few relationships I was in : I was put under pressure to accept things that I was unwilling to do, ultimately leading to breakup. I was denied the right to have any choices too — either saying “NO” or having affective/sexual preferences. The sole official relationship with my girlfriend lasting a few months was a disaster : no feelings, no common interests… I am in love at first, but something is wrong : she is “too smooth,” she does not show me her inner world. This turns into a sexual blockage for me. The relationship is like her apartment, where we often spend time: too clean, too tidy, very neat, and therefore not clear.

Moi

I admit that I was far from perfect myself: as with this woman with whom it was obvious that our relationship goals were irreconcilable, I waited years of arguments before finally admitting to her that I was not like her. Too many discussions and interactions without any specific goal. Also, this now distorted attitude: wanting an egalitarian relationship, being enterprising, simply being sociable, having good interpersonal skills — a quality in the professional world — being able/willing to decide what suits me or not — which is still the case today — caricatured in the form of a dubious rumor: “He thought he had the power, so we excluded him for five years.” Or even being too hard on this woman who sincerely apologized for her mistakes and wanted to get back together. I was also not proud of this short and difficult relationship where everyone made fun of this woman for her inability to handle the situation her way — all this, admitting my ignorance of the “underlying” issues that I discuss later.

Like Jane, I was never defined and respected for my ability to work, create or act with others; but only by something that was deeply intimate in my private life. Jane is able to work both in the fields and in the factory : the movie insists that she is only a shadow. Jane is defined both in the movie and critics/reviews as unable to procreate (a “dead and useless womb”). I finally learned during a clandestine meeting at the end of my studies that I was defined as incapable of having sexual relations or as an unsuitable partner. The more it was obvious that something was not working — most of my interactions at the time were conflictual, ambiguous, quickly aborted by me/her — the less my attempts to conceal the topic publicly were convincing.

I share other traits with this young girl. In Threads, Jane is seen alone and silent — while nothing on screen justifies such a situation. The fact too is that I was a loner — not a default of course, but not a quality during this period of my life. Surprisingly, despite my loneliness, I have a relatively “rich” social life on the surface at times. This means that I am sometimes approached by people (men or women) in unenviable situations sexually/emotionally. My sociability is sometimes noticed and leads to awkward questions. This is perhaps the only time I can be honest: “It’s no big deal, it’s not very interesting.” Out of frankness and sympathy for them. Personally, I have never felt sexually frustrated: I have had high expectations in relationships for a long time, I know myself physically, and I have a rich inner world. I don’t live with my desires as if they were the only thing in the world. This is not the case for the people I meet, and it unsettles me greatly. What does it mean to know yourself physically? When I was younger, I was sometimes a little tired of the mechanical side of things — to put it mildly. It was on a women’s website that I discovered more important things: learning to know what was useful and what was not (a bit like with cigarettes for smokers). I also learned to be more aware of my body image and to “tame” myself. Over several months, I managed to achieve a downward curve, limiting these moments to the most useful and enjoyable ones.

Photography: a passion in my free time that I rediscovered as a student.

Interlude

The only time I felt happy with a woman was in 2015. We were extremely different but it worked for several months. Not a girlfriend, not a partner. Someone important at that time. I was the one interested at first. She was not really. I accepted her comeback — something I refused for two women at the time — again, assuming my ignorance of the “sub-issue” which I discuss later. What struck me about her when I first saw her was that I recognized my younger, more vulnerable self: stereotypical vocabulary (“waah”, “buddy”…), a pathological need to wear her khaki green coat like a military uniform, a social mask of openness/sexual freedom that hid a great sensitivity… Above all, I thought she had potential on a personal level. She was my equal. Even though this put me in an unwanted adult position, I always encouraged her.

One moment was both funny and telling about this person : she was a bit of a “control-freak” (“Therefore I decide, therefore I am”). But it was more a story of appearance than a reality. I was bored to meet her at the party at her home. I was straight : I was willing to discuss it with her alone. We agreed over a walk in the nearby countryside near her home. To reach the wheat fields and the old castle, we had to climb a slope. The anger was growing within her. She suddenly stopped, she was not willing to continue. I didn’t bother at the time : I told her I was walking along the road. Surprisingly : she decided to put aside her “control-freak” policy and join me to pursue the walk.

Like in these photos where we are taking selfies, hiding behind binoculars. I was happy to be involved with someone while not being targeted on my sexuality. It was short : despite being more experienced — something not difficult with me — she used involuntarily poor words and moments to discuss the topic. I felt threatened, I locked myself and the topic became conflictual. I find her stance on the subject very hurtful: she talks about it in “crude” terms, sometimes telling stories that are disrespectful to her past partners, as if it were something that should be detached from emotion.

Ones on the “best” moments with her : when we were walking peacefully together and looking at the horizon in front of the wheat fields.

Tensions were growing with her. She decided to go abroad to participate in the Erasmus program. I felt betrayed. Communication became increasingly difficult from a distance. She was angry and sad that I refused to visit her. The relationship became passive-aggressive on both sides. At the time, my relatives publicly criticized me for not wanting to take care of her, as if I owed her something. They didn’t know about our problems. I felt alone again.

Bad feelings

While in the movie Jane holds no possibility to escape her harsh reality, I got this possibility — while my own reality was of course less harsher than her. Working on photography (something I documented in the essay “Souvenirs de l’Est” available on Medium) and then on the “Made in France” topic (something marketable in the mid 2010s). On the subject of “Made in France,” I published numerous articles and infographics on the industrial sector — and more specifically the textile industry — in France around 2015:

These personal projects were the first time I was able to be seen outside my social circle, and judged on what I was able to do — and not on an intimate criteria. It was actually through my work in textiles that I discovered the type of person I would like to be with in life — and whom I finally met at the age of 26. She is a shoe designer and wants to create her own brand. We met because she knew about my blog. We met in a café in Paris. She was quite shy, but even though it was a little naive, I liked the attention she paid me. Both to my work and to me personally as a man.

Although the proportions are different, Jane and I have another thing in common. The film, in its need to degrade her, subjects her to rape by another boy. The pretext for presenting her as degraded: she is raped, then she becomes pregnant and her child is stillborn. My situation is different, but my privacy is monitored, and nothing prepares me for what I discuss later: a symbolic rape in public during an illegal meeting about my sexual and emotional life.

I already had my doubts during a conversation when I was out with my only girlfriend at the time. A group of young women my age were talking to an older man — an acquaintance. The conversation was questionable and heated: “Where does he think he can go out with someone by inviting them to a concert?” “He doesn’t have to take the initiative.” “Apparently, he’s the one who decides.” At the time, out of naivety, I was simply surprised. For me, it was an adult relationship: we met in a bar, we liked each other right away, we exchanged numbers, we saw each other several times, I invited her to a concert, and we kissed one evening on a date that she had initiated. Another contentious point was the nature of the relationship. I had always been clear: it was a serious relationship. This ended up becoming a point of conflict with acquaintances at the time, who felt that it was not up to me to set that criterion. The fact that I was seen interacting with women my age — sometimes for no particular reason, or out of curiosity (asking for a number, offering a drink: two or three times in five years) or in response to solicitations — was poorly perceived by both men and women my age. Finally, relationship difficulties with my only girlfriend at the time ended up creating tension. On this point, I admit that I was extremely unhappy with her, and I sometimes responded to solicitations without thinking badly and/or misunderstanding the expectations of the other person because I simply wanted to get out of the relationship.

If I had to summarize the relational logic of my 19–24 years, I think it would take the following form: flexible on the outside / uncompromising on the inside.

Flexible on the outside (Relational/Social): I was tolerant enough with myself and others to maintain ambiguous, vague, or “neutral” relationships
Uncompromising inside (Sexual/Intimate): total rejection of ambiguity, no sexuality or intimacy unless there was a plan for a relationship during/after.

This has remained unchanged since I was 24–25 years old with regard to the “inside,” and I have gone from flexible to demanding on the outside.

Some interactions annoyed me and were not adult-like: we talked all day long, the slightest neutral suggestion to go out is misinterpreted, the person comes back anyway… This attitude reminds me of something a coworker once said while we were doing manual labor — which is relevant because we often work closely together — and which basically went like this: “If we can work together, we should be able to socialize outside of work. Otherwise, it means something is wrong, or that we’re being hypocritical.” Things that have never happened since I was 24–25 years old. The rumors I heard were not always very reassuring. Some discussions about: “he’s too complicated”, “he snubs us with his photos and his Made in France project”, “he’s too serious”… Sometimes on a sentimental level too: “he’s too demanding”, “his standards are too high”… We have also heard unpleasant comments such as “he thinks he’s in charge,” “Mr. NO”… More rarely, on one occasion, I heard a young woman who was not my romantic target say, “he says he’s good with girls”… which was both funny and comical. What is certain is that, by being pushed to my limits in this situation (sometimes numerous social interactions, no girlfriends, sometimes repeated and public rejections from my side…), the situation became unmanageable. So, no doubt, a clumsy phrase may have been uttered in response to pressing questions, but at that time I was already extremely tired of a social situation that was completely beyond me. As I said above, in such an immature environment, riddled with adolescent games, who could afford to admit to their real emotional situation? It was a situation that never bothered me — I can handle long periods of solitude as an adult today and no longer hang out with my peers — but it was impossible to admit to at the time without being laughed at.

The meeting

While never challenged publicly during this period about my private life, it occurred unfortunately during the last times at university. The fact is that people had noticed that I had less interest in people of my own age since I became involved in this semi-professional project. Which is not untrue. This project brought me into contact with people (men and women) who were more demanding and more aligned with my personal expectations.

One of my project as a student : a stock trading competition

The mystery surrounding my difficulties was revealed to me and several other people during a clandestine meeting. The excuse? The students in my class have to go there to validate their diplomas. It was at university with a professor, at the end of my studies. This professor was a renowned teacher and researcher in his field. He was not passive, and actively participated in the violent exchanges that followed. I know I’m stuck. I’m doing the only thing I’ve known how to do since the beginning: I’m lying. But this time it’s over. And I don’t know the mechanics at work for the past five years that I discovered at the meeting — it’s already been two years since I started my master’s degree that I haven’t really been hanging out with my peers. Honestly, I know I’m dead. I had built my mask that protected me with many micro-interactions, sometimes funny, sometimes shaky or uninteresting, rarely interesting. But at the very least, it kept unhealthy curiosity at bay in public spaces. You could always hide behind phrases like “I have opportunities” or “I’m seeing people” to avoid committing to anything concrete and avoid the problem of intimate relationships — something problematic for me. Above all, there is this young woman from my undergraduate years in the play. We dated for a while (without sleeping together): going to the movies, invitations to her place, walks… The relationship had been awful: she repeated our private conversations to others, she was possessive, I became angry, sometimes hurtful in turn, she adopted a humiliating tone in her messages… It ended in a clash, even though we sometimes saw each other again as friends afterwards.

An allegory of the meeting : stoning of a violater of the sabbath (Numbers 15)

The meeting starts with the most unimaginable reason: I have been completely excluded from any sexual contact by my peers since the beginning for refusing to conform to the unspoken rules. The words are violent and the phrases are crude: I am labeled as sexual trash by my peers (both men and women), my sexual problems with my only girlfriend at the time are exposed in front of everyone, harsh things like “we’ve written you off from the start” are said out loud, my refusals at the time are presented as non-options… It is impossible for anyone to absorb such a shock: seeing any idea of choice or free will erased in an instant by a collective decision that was invisible until then. Sexual/emotional exclusion is the ultimate social taboo, and one that is generally invisible: the man or woman concerned is rarely aware of it. It is a complete disqualification of the human person, who is reduced to the status of a subhuman being: even worse than being a non-person. Here is a sentence that was uttered to this effect during the meeting:

Do you think you have opportunities because you say no? Nothing would have happened anyway.

I remember experiencing a major psychological shock at the meeting when I heard words of unspeakable violence. This is called a “dissociative psychomotor reaction.” I remember making uncontrolled movements: my face fell to the floor, and above all, I made a gesture with my hand. I placed it in front of my left eye in an uncontrolled reflex: index finger and middle finger pressed together, ring finger and little finger pressed together, and a simple slit for my eye.

Whether the exclusion mechanism was total or not, whatever my responses to proposals/requests were, the fact remains that I always said “NO” to anything that deviated from my expectations. This has not changed in my future life. This type of statement is extremely dangerous for a psychologically vulnerable individual: it is an attempt to erase their “SELF” and free will, reducing them to a puppet without consciousness or thoughts. I have always been logical and clear in my choices: no phrase, however perverse and unhealthy, could have taken away my independence and my ability to refuse, which few men have. The meeting can only go off the rails: the aggressors pose as educators, while the victim must accept the lesson without protest. Despite the shock, I would like to point out some objective realities. We are sliding into something murky. My privacy was exposed in front of everyone, under the amused gaze of the teacher present: my virginity, my refusal to accept a quick fix, and the contempt for my desire to make choices in my private life. We even learned about a game. The fact is, everyone knew that I only wanted a serious relationship and that sexuality had to be part of it. A game? Some may have wanted to push me into accepting without a relationship. And maybe nothing would have happened if I had accepted. What I experienced that day was perhaps akin to an archaic rite, something between the medieval and the tribal.

Jane screaming at the end of Threads, looking with horror at her stillborn baby

Borderline

An anecdote: by the end of the meeting, I had almost become like my peers — and I’m not proud of it — reminding them of the rules myself. My girlfriend at the time decided to break up with me after a few months of dating. I reveal something to them as the meeting draws to a close. She had been emotionally blackmailing me from the start — going so far as to use degrading language and try to force me into humiliating acts. She wanted to pursue a purely sexual relationship, while I wanted an emotional and sexual relationship. I said yes: to test myself (am I capable of following my logic through to the end, even when pushed to the limit?) and to remind myself of my rules. Everything was going well until it was time to take action. She looked me intensely in the eyes, made a move, and I firmly said “NO” twice. If nothing happens in an emotional and sexual relationship, nothing will happen outside of it. There was discomfort and silence around me. I had already discussed refusing a sexual proposition in a questionable context during class. We had met by chance in the cafeteria, started hanging out together, and then one day she suggested I go to her place. Something was wrong with that apartment: it was too cramped, there was a bunk bed (it was a shared flat), and the toilet was on the landing. Something was very wrong, so I left. The anecdote had already unsettled them, but it hadn’t convinced them. The truth is, there had been other “intimate” moments during that period: I had kissed several people, with others there had been discreet and repeated physical closeness, two other people had propositioned me for sex… Like this intimate moment (caressing and kissing; I was very attracted to her, even though the bond was not as strong as I would have liked), but we didn’t have condoms. We laughed about it, but I remained logical: I wanted us to go out together, and I ended up ending things with a text message a few days later because her attitude wasn’t appropriate. Once: I unintentionally frustrated someone. We got to know each other with humor: I know how to roll my “r”s in Russian (the word pronounced is Хорошо, which means “very good”). She found it funny and became tactile. One evening, without me paying attention, it went too far: she was very forward and tried to make a physical advance. My girlfriend at the time bursts in: total humiliation for all three of us. Another memory: a student who often sits next to me in class. That day, she presses her leg against mine. Was it a social ploy or not? I don’t know. I find it exciting, she’s quite pretty, but true to my rule, I call her name twice: “Can you move over, please?”. She is very surprised and confused, and I smile and say it’s okay. One last memory: she and I are sitting on a windowsill. We’re smoking together. She blushes. She’s sitting cross-legged with a bottle of beer between her legs. I take the bottle to drink without realizing that I might have touched her. She suddenly blushes, smiles, and looks at me intensely. I see her: and I replace the bottle more explicitly. Shortly after, we are sitting together on a sofa: a “moralizing father” tells her that she can say “NO.” I caress her back at that moment, and she responds with something funny: “I like it when boys try.” It was short enough not to be burdensome, and at the same time, it made me feel desirable — in any case, I didn’t understand the mechanics at work, and the contexts (and/or the aftermath) didn’t match my ideal relationship.

Ultimately, if I had to summarize the period between the ages of 19 and 24 in terms of power dynamics:

My peers always said no to my “neutral” social invitations (going for a drink, going for a walk, seeing a movie, accompanying Simon to take photos and so on)
I refused all sexual/intimate ambiguities (either it is backed by a sincere bond that is built afterwards or over time, or it’s over; similarly, I refuse “comebacks” if there is such baggage between us)

Ultimately, what seemed logical at the time (“I’m being approached, I say “NO” because it doesn’t suit me”) can become a false belief during the meeting (“the game is rigged”). But unlike others, I remain consistent, and I write here that the game was rigged, but I always applied my own rules — and continue to do so today. This is probably what makes the meeting particularly violent: it is not the absence of a relationship that is objectively at stake, but the notion of sexual free will. Above all, this created major anxiety for the women present at the meeting: traditionally and stereotypically (even if the reality is more nuanced), it is the woman who says “NO” and the man who says “YES” — in the sense of responding to solicitations. My case is unique: I have had a very demanding relationship model — albeit still in development — for a long time. I want something specific, and I am not sexually frustrated. So I can say “NO” to sexual intercourse, questionable propositions, overly insistent gestures and so on. A man who says “NO” in normal circumstances : it’s already a heavy burden. From someone being sexually excluded — something I didn’t know at the time — it’s even more humiliating. Finally, with a touch of humor, we could say that the clandestine meeting took on the air of the Diet of Worms on sexual free will, or, with even more “black humor,” the air of a bad remake of the film “12 Angry Men,” renamed this time “12 Angry Women.”

Sexual free will

If we were to make an honest assessment of the situation, we could say:

I was unaware of the “implicit contract” revealed during the meeting: therefore, objectively speaking, from the outside, I was living under an “illusion of control” — if I had known, I would have lost my sense of free will.
On the other hand, all the decisions I made (to wait, “YES,” “NO,” etc.) are personal: so they are part of the things that cannot be taken away from me. They were made logically.
These decisions are part of a relationship project called “Serious Relationship + Integrated Sexuality” that was in the process of being developed/refined at the time.

On this subject, I think that the group’s attempt during this meeting was extremely dangerous: a fragile person could have suffered an insurmountable psychological shock. More clearly: no longer believing in the validity or even the emergence of their own decisions (past, future, present). At this stage, if we accept such a thing, it is symbolic rape squared. We are seeking to deprive a young man or woman of what he or she wanted, thought, and refused. It is his or her inner space that belongs to no one else: an inalienable space. What are the risks of trying to force the opposite? First, we try to deny our “SELF”: “what you wanted or didn’t want” doesn’t exist. Then, by depriving a person of their inner space, we seek to destroy their memories, thoughts, coherence, dreams… In short, everything that makes up psychological autonomy. We are therefore seeking to confiscate the person’s inner space. Furthermore, in my case, my decisions were linked to a specific relationship project, which was maintained and pursued after this episode. In short, with a simple formula.

To admit the opposite would be tantamount to signing away one’s personal autonomy and dignity. That is the ultimate danger: no longer being socially excluded, but being erased from oneself.

At the meeting, we wanted to cross a major anthropological red line: defining and essentializing an individual (me) based on what they are not, rather than what they do and achieve. Those who today defend my peers or attempt to validate their arguments are on the wrong side of human history. At the time, I also had many personal/creative projects that were useful to the community, particularly on the theme of “Made in France.” I practice photography in my spare time, and I also write specialized articles on the French textile and industrial world. I am going to open my own textile business. And as mentioned above, I no longer socialize with my peers since starting my master’s degree. So they are targeting the “worst person” for this kind of defamatory attack: an active, useful, and productive member of society, seeking to eliminate everything he does and reduce him to a lack of sexuality — which in a normal context, whether you are 19, 25, 32, or 45, is not shocking, regardless of whether the environment is biased or not. Several philosophers have weighed in on this important topic of personal choice, even under extreme circumstances:

“Man is condemned to be free” — Jean-Paul Sartre

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” — Viktor Frankl

“You have power over your mind, not over events. Understand this, and you will find strength” — Marcus Aurelius

Objectively biased? Yes, undoubtedly, even though I never knew the extent of the exclusion mechanism or its exact date of implementation. But what matters, looking back now, is that I didn’t abandon that conviction at the time: it would have been like handing victory to my tormentors at that meeting. So objectively speaking, it’s always subjective reality that saves the day. In the end, I survived because I never let the group steal my fundamental right to say “I chose.” That’s how I was able to bounce back. Today, with hindsight, I can accept that I was in the same situation as a victim of actual rape. Objectively, it’s psychological death, but some victims cling to their screams, blows, insults… I cling to my “NO” and my inner conviction — those remain my choices, whatever the external rules were. And that’s important to me; I am more than a person in the purely sexual sense of the term.

No matter what happens to me, I always have the choice of how to respond: as long as my NO and my YES come from me, I remain free and whole.

Sorority

Looking back, a story comes to mind. I’m at college, waiting near the coffee machine. There’s a young woman waiting for coffee. She looks like Penelope Garcia from NCIS. I find it awkward, but she gives me a very seductive look, which I don’t return. I realize that something is not quite right with her. I often see her alone, on Facebook with her computer, writing messages to boys. What happens next disgusts me. We are in the lecture hall. She is in front of me in another row. She is writing a message to a boy, asking him if he would like to sleep with her, in a way that is not very discreet. The message is relatively modest but direct. The problem is that everyone can see her from my row. Everyone sees her messages and the boy’s negative response. The guys laugh among themselves in a not-so-discreet way, and one of them says, “She’s known for that.” I feel ashamed for them and for myself, so I remain silent and say nothing.

Meeting epilogue

Heading for the exit, my project “Serious Relationship + Integrated Sexuality” is in the box 🙂

The only notable criticism of this meeting was that I was clearly opposed to any form of unilateral relationship, which is still true today, because I want a partner who is my equal, no more, no less; because no one has power over anyone else in a relationship with me — not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow.

This may be another thing Jane and I have in common. In the film, Jane speaks a broken version of English. She cannot communicate like other people. Without falling into the trap of “broken English,” I have never really mastered the social codes of my age group.

Despite obtaining my master’s degree with honors and my work in the textile industry, I was publicly labeled as repulsive. Not as someone capable of creating and producing useful things, but as someone who hadn’t had sex in five years.

Something I hadn’t been able to understand or guess earlier. It’s a bit naive, but I often only suggested neutral outings — sometimes awkwardly: movies, walks, photos… It’s a bit naive, but I often only suggested neutral outings — sometimes in a clumsy way: movies, walks, photos… The only real awkwardness at the time, in fact, was that my suggestions weren’t very imaginative and were repetitive, sometimes repeated in the context of ambiguous interactions with some women. The subject of sexual relations had only been discussed a few times in five years at that point : with my girlfriend and two other people. With my project on “Made in France” starting in 2014–2015, one might be tempted to doubt this. But for context: I hang out with older people with whom I get along well. So the logical interpretation at that moment is a maturity gap, not a crass sexual/intimate motive. So the mechanics of sexual exclusion would have been difficult to see. At best, I could sense disinterest, but nothing more. Although this is very serious, we can smile about it today, especially in hindsight. My lies, the dirty tricks of my peers… All of this spared me a humiliating “first time,” or at least one without any serious relationship prospects.

Octopus

To summarise all these interactions/relationships over the period from 19 to 24 years of age, here are two diagrams that illustrate the nature of the interactions. Each dot represents a person. The diagram on the left is like the “extended” list with interactions that were more “negligible” and less important to me. And on the right is the version with all the interactions/relationships that were significant to me in a broader sense. In the diagram on the left, I also include people I met purely as “friends”. In the diagram on the right, I only include acquaintances for whom I had an emotional interest.

From the age of 19 to 24: I did not have any stable relationships with anyone (i.e. no full sexual relationships). I also include the rejection of people who were initially uninterested but later wanted to reconnect with me. As I said above, all of this fits in quite well with the logic of the “social mask”: a void masked by an apparent abundance of contacts and interactions. Three things can explain the “pattern,” to borrow a term from the world of machine learning:

Total free will: the easy but comfortable explanation, because it allows us to ignore the fact that I do not decide for others — regardless of whether or not social mechanics are at work — and that my expectations were not those of many other people.
Complete gray areas: objectively — regardless of what may or may not have been at work — the fact is that most interactions are generally aborted at one point or another by me/her, or end ambiguously (no follow-up by me/her, for example). This is the explanation without a scenario of a “developed” social mechanism at work.
Another approach — a more controversial one — would be that of the idea of an “implicit contract” surrounding me. It helps explain the absence of lasting relationships over such a long period, and it provides a natural explanation for the absence of lasting relationships over such a long period of time, and fits perfectly with the social dynamics revealed during the meeting.

The fact remains that I have always followed the same logic over the past five years: first the connection — even a weak one — before sexuality. So, as things stand, I have simply applied and observed the effects of the logic of my way of being: difficulties in creating a bond (or “framework”) and therefore no sexuality. Even if a dirty social mechanism was at work, no one can take away from me the fact that I simply applied my logic without any notable success. It’s a stubbornness that we can laugh about today: few young men in their twenties accept a series of vague/ambiguous/conflictual/aborted relationships without questioning themselves — ironically, this was my case, as I had a more internalized and introspective sexuality, good control over my desires, and a lack of interest (and also a lack of understanding) for the social codes of my age group.

On power

“He wanted power, so we excluded him for five years”: this is essentially the rumor that continues to circulate about me, and which led me to write this document to clarify a number of things. But what does it mean to have power in relationships or in one’s emotional life in general? The issue here is the collective fantasy that “women decide, men obey.” There may be a grain of truth in this when it comes to the games of seduction. It also depends on the type of men and women involved. Some women are direct/egalitarian, others more ambiguous… Some men accept anything and everything, others are more selective/demanding, like me… It also depends on how people meet. We always tend to play social roles in group settings — work, family, friends — and be more ourselves (whether male or female) in one-on-one encounters without mutual friends or social circles. In my experience after the age of 24–25, it’s still a social game facade. And my choice of partners generally leans toward women who value transparency, communication, and the intrinsic value of their partner over social scripts. These are also the types of women I tend to attract — which is also important to me given my atypical affective/sexual background. And in any case, as soon as we start building something together, we’ll have to talk to each other.

Sometimes I am surprised by the way men and women talk about their power in relationships. To exaggerate slightly, some women love to say that they decide everything. It’s sad, because it can give the impression that they completely despise their partners in order to control the relationship. On a humorous note, some give the impression that they would be perfectly happy with a barrel of radioactive waste if it meant they could finally say, “I’m the one who decides.” Among men, I am tired of the hypocrisy of saying “yes” to their partners while simultaneously developing pent-up rage and frustration, which manifests itself in blatant misogyny in discussions among men: “They have unrealistic standards, they think they’re worth something, they think they’re above everything, we hold no respect for them” I have always avoided these two pitfalls: no partners in crass contempt, no misogyny, simple expectations, and total respect for women who are intelligent, good communicators, honest, sometimes forthright, and humorously, motivating.

To return to the main topic, we can always have opportunities taken away from us or be excluded. But as long as we remain capable of saying “NO” — as has always been the case for me in the past, today, and tomorrow — we retain our dignity and free will. In my case, I am a man, which is even rarer proof of mastery and courage. For “YES” to have value, the other must be able to oppose a “NO” that has just as much value. Otherwise, we risk falling into asymmetrical logic, non-consent, and humiliating relationships. Whatever happened to me between the ages of 19 and 24, I never accepted anything that didn’t suit me. After reading the account of my life between the ages of 19 and 24, one might naturally question the absurdity and grotesqueness of the exclusion mechanism and the subsequent mock trial. How can you exclude or “deactivate” someone who automatically rejects a model that has never suited them? How can you exclude someone who, in any case, lives out of step with their peers because of their maturity, the clarity of their relationship goals, and their lack of a common vocabulary? Saying “NO” allowed me to never accept the degrading and shameful proposals made to me, and thus to stay on course until I was 26 — at which point, to put it humorously, I had to learn to say “YES.” The relationship model I had at 19 could survive a humiliating and degrading group meeting, but not a relationship/sexual compromise.

Thatcher and I have a common trait : “No, no, no !”

Humorous posters generated by artificial intelligence (ChatGPT)

Textile

My favorite still from the movie : Jane working… in a textile upcycling factory with several children

After nearly 5 years alone, many questions arose. I was heavily targeted during the previous meeting for being unwilling to untie sex and relationships. I was unwilling to do that. Several things occurred after I left the university. For one year, I ran a small business in the textile industry. While not commercially successful, it was nice to be seen publicly (through local newspapers and in one report on a regional TV) as someone creative — not as someone to be “fixed”.

It’s a talent I must have inherited from my family: my maternal grandmother was very talented and renowned for her sewing, especially crochet. She left us many accessories and garments: hats, accessories, and even complete outfits. I mainly meet people through work, mostly women, who are involved in a traditionally female sector (knitting) (a revealing quote from an article in the local press: “To hear him talk, you’d think he was passionate about fashion. He finds it amusing. Just like being a man who knits.”). It’s a talent I must have inherited from my family: my maternal grandmother was very talented and renowned for her sewing, especially crochet. She left us many accessories and garments: hats, accessories, and even complete outfits. At that point, I met a few women my age (or slightly older), but it didn’t click: the meeting crystallized my need for clarity, and I cut ties as soon as the alignment wasn’t optimal. I also remember a failed Tinder date during this period: I was bored and it showed. I’m a little ashamed of that today, but at least I didn’t pretend, and neither did she — it was no longer an obligation, having completely broken with my peers after the meeting mentioned above.

“La Semaine” and “L’Est Republicain” papers, myself working on a product (FR3 report) and a collage to promote my small business

Some of my products

Even though it wasn’t done for commercial purposes, I spent some time working on wall tapestries with geometric patterns. Here are a few examples:

And also, a short project in the field of leather goods with a leather notebook holder. It was an opportunity for me at that time to try my hand at a bit of everything in the creative field, and to rebuild myself in a way:

Paris

After closing my business, I went to work in Paris. I don’t know anyone in Paris except for two people: my sister, who also lives and works there, and a long-time acquaintance (a former college friend) with whom I regularly go out for walks or just to chat. Surprisingly, I don’t have any romantic goals in mind when I arrive in Paris, with one exception: to resolve a long-standing relationship issue. I ended that long and difficult relationship with the woman I mentioned earlier (“the wheat field girl”). For context, the reunion is going well. Surprisingly, we hugged, caressed each other, and I kissed her neck. We went to her place. She needed to take control, imposing her discussions/views on intimacy, and I cut her off with, “I’m not like you.” She took it badly, turned her back, and changed the subject. We part ways. Later, I want to see her again. She dodges me. I find a topic, she latches on, and the conversation turns into a clash: I bring up our discussion at her place, my fatigue with her parasitic presence on social media, my expectations, and I am forced to “talk like her.” Last messages: a normal relationship or nothing, it will be nothing.

I then met someone for a while. Even though it wasn’t a relationship, it was both physical and emotional, and it was the first time I wasn’t judged.

Then another person through an artistic conversation. The first drink was nice, the restaurant was awful and she felt the need to say “I decide, therefore I am”. I later ask her to come to my place, she’s outraged, I remind her of my seriousness and relational expectations, she’s outraged again, a little trick test on her part to “help”, I said “OK” with the intention of not doing anything without being clear as in my initial message, she’s outraged again, end of problem.

Le Havre

And finally, at the age of 26, I met someone with whom it would have been difficult to get along any better: we met through an artistic exchange (photography and architecture). We met on Instagram. At the time, she was self-employed, after several years working in an architectural firm. She is both an architect and a visual artist, with a keen understanding of urban planning. We first met at an exhibition in an artists’ residence. Our relationship lasted three months. I was accepted despite being open about my virginity. I was extremely happy to have done this within the context of a relationship that had been built up, rather than as a one-night stand. Many fond memories: outings together, weekends in my hometown, visits to Le Havre, arguments about bread during picnics on the banks of the Seine, me helping her to photograph some of her work… Arguments and disagreements too, sometimes, but that’s life — neither of us was easy to get along with. Then there was another important person with whom I shared a close bond, meaningful exchanges, and total mutual respect — a purely emotional connection for me, but one that was rewarding nonetheless.

I continued my personal introspection on sexuality and emotional life. For the first time in my life, at around the age of 28, I discovered a film in which I identified 100% with the subject matter. I didn’t know Philippe Djian’s film or book before I was 28, the film and book “37°2 le matin”. Many critics describe the film as “erotic,” but I think that’s totally wrong: very little is suggested or shown on screen. What is beautiful? Everything I love: the bucolic landscapes of the French countryside, the bungalows by the sea, the typical French village… A world that reminds me of my photographic work on the bucolic corners of Lorraine, and more particularly “Marsal.” What I also liked was the way the characters (Zorg and Betty, played by Jean-Hugues Anglade and Béatrice Dalle, respectively) experience their love: there are no social conventions at work, they are explosive — especially her — and everything is spontaneous in a world of high photographic quality, even if the story is unfortunately tragic. Three years later, I had another important relationship — a lighter, shorter one. Memories of a day spent with her among fields and old stones.

Marsal

Another post-exclusion encounter: the “Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus” by philosopher Ludwig Wittgenstein. It is a work that remains relatively obscure even today. If we had to summarize it simply — even if imperfectly — we could say that the Tractatus explains that language is like a map of the world: it can represent facts and logic, but it cannot capture everything that is truly valuable in existence. Ludwig and I share a common passion: complex formulas applied to essential areas of life. He focuses on language, while I focus on sexuality.

Forward

What mattered too was my happiness with my daily jobs. I choose for several reasons to shift from a Business Analyst position to an IT support role in several companies — something useful and offering totally different situations every day. Pursuing my photographic works too was important (next essays on the topic : “Saumur, Provins, Chartres, Rouen, Ile-Saint-Denis, Dunkerque… souvenirs épars” and “Ostende / Zeeland”), like pursuing my interest in writing. I’m also the editor of a website dedicated to the Hebrew Bible — only in French — lirelabiblehebraique.fr.

A word about my relationships with my peers (men and women) so that there is no ambiguity. Although I am now closer to people who are sometimes a little older (exceptionally younger if we can connect on a maturity level), I have never closed the door on a relationship with a woman my age. However, I find that the problems are similar to those of the past: difficulty in establishing an egalitarian framework, in talking like adults, in moving forward with the same spontaneity… None of the rare interactions I have had since I was 24–25 with women my age have led to a meaningful relationship or even a sincere connection.

A word also on how I managed to get through these five years without falling apart. Looking back, there are several explanations:

The simplest is that I didn’t see the problem for a long time: the sometimes numerous micro-interactions may have helped to compensate for the absence of a long-term bond (or even a relationship) — as well as their intellectualization and a stock of sometimes absurd anecdotes
Perhaps also because I never defined relational/human value by whether or not I was with someone, whether or not I had sex… A fact that is still true today is that I am not afraid of being alone
My hyper-precise, even caricatural, expectations in relationships may have contributed to filtering or even myopia about what was happening: many things were judged against numerous conscious/unconscious criteria, and since few things passed this filter, it didn’t go any further
Mechanically, in connection with the previous point, this undoubtedly led me to be even more demanding
The mask I had built for myself from the beginning, which ironically was meant to hide what I was afraid to reveal in front of a group — by repeating things to myself, I ended up believing them, perhaps
Numerous superficial interactions: bars, concerts… The feeling of always seeing people
A few brief moments of intimacy, such as kissing someone, which provided a brief release
My ability to say “NO” when necessary
I wasn’t completely isolated: I had a few acquaintances, family, and two cats too 🙂
Personal and semi-professional projects that were engaging and helped me build relationships: photography, a long-term project on “Made in France” that led me to interact with many people
For a touch of humor: no sexual overcompensation — no particular addiction and a daily routine that hasn’t changed in years and doesn’t interfere with my social/professional life 🙂
And perhaps also… the conviction — conscious or unconscious — from the beginning that I am worth something, but that the problem comes from my environment

Ironically, when I turned 24, I was almost able to breathe: no more masks to wear, the same clear and intact relational/sexual desires, no parasitic interactions, first entrepreneurial projects (my textile company) then professional ones… Then work in Paris with a change of direction: moving into IT support, a job involving daily contact with people. Perhaps a radical choice: few or no people my age in my social circle, so no risk of being subjected to any form of social control.

Alternate history

If none of that had happened, what would my emotional/sexual life have been like between the ages of 19 and 24 ? Objectively speaking, probably not very different. Perhaps I would have had a few earlier sexual experiences, but that’s probably all. And those experiences might have been emotionally disappointing. Take, for example, what happened with the first girl I kissed when I was 19–20. We saw each other for a few days, then she suddenly decided to end it. I was extremely disappointed, and I wrote her an awkward message, which backfired on me publicly. The few times I saw her again with friends, she was demonstrative in front of me with someone else. Then she tried to reconnect several months later, which I refused. Three things could have happened if we had had sex: a strong feeling of humiliation related to intimacy, shame, and the risk of becoming cynical if I had several experiences. If I had accepted more sexual opportunities, the risk would have been not achieving my ideal relationship but choosing shaky compromises — probably disappointing and mediocre ones. Finally, beyond the sexual aspect, my relationship plans were highly incompatible with the expectations of men and women my age. So: possible and rare adaptations, but probable risk of repeated relationship clashes. And in any case, even after the age of 24–25, emotional/sexual “odd compromises” are not tolerated.

Conclusions

My case is far from isolated. Societies often target men and women to expose and/or use their intimacy in order to regulate a social group, force individuals into a certain conformity, or achieve political goals. My case is quite unusual because I am a man: it is more often women who are exposed to public violence based on their real or supposed sexuality. And, as is well known, it was my lack of sexuality at the time that was judged non-conformist and detestable, as well as my view of relationships — the worst thing: being judged on a “void” created both by our peers and by ourselves. As a Frenchman, the case that comes to mind is that of the women who had their heads shaved after the Liberation. My humiliation took place behind closed doors, theirs was public, sometimes lasting several hours, sometimes naked, always with their heads shaved. Historically speaking, my case is more akin to a trial for impotence. Ultimately, the aim was to demonstrate my sexual and relational incompetence in an institutional and social context. This practice began in France in 1426 and disappeared shortly before the French Revolution. In any case, and whatever the reasons, these were shameful practices that left a lasting mark on the men and women who were victims of these ignominies.

On the left : French women accused of “love-collaboration” during 1944 summer. On the right : minutes of the impotence trial between Catherine Cordien and Adrien Charles Beffroy, August 20, 1742

Finally, beyond my personal case, and even if meeting someone at the age of 26 is a difficult equation to replicate for everyone (luck + mutual seriousness + intellectual connection + the right person + relational maturity), the fact remains that it can make us think about what a respectful sexuality should be like for “the first time” (and even more generally). Without going into the excessive (and potentially dramatic) details of my case, my life proves that even in an extreme, unfair, and violent scenario, it is possible to meet someone with whom you can discover sexuality in an adult, respectful, and consensual setting. This should be perfectly possible and legitimate in a healthier setting. Unfortunately, not all “first times” take place in contexts as enlightened and respectful as the ones I experienced at age 26. Some — though rare — are sometimes rushed, shameful, or even non-consensual (or not entirely consensual). Beyond the “first time,” we can ask ourselves what expectations everyone has a right to have for any intimate relationship, regardless of its duration or whether it actually happens.

Beyond “traditional” sexuality that is free, consensual, respectful, and adult, it is also interesting to question how society — which appears to be hypersexualized — sometimes engages in convoluted behavior that is difficult to understand. Why, for example, is there such a taboo surrounding the right to sexuality for people with disabilities? Why is there such prudish obsession with prostitution and sex workers? There is something uncomfortable about this view of things: judging that sexuality becomes degraded when it takes place outside of traditional social control or the norm. Sexual/emotional exclusion, which can affect both men and women — yet remains a supreme taboo — seems unconsciously more acceptable than forms of sexuality that are just as consensual — they take place between adults in an accepted framework between two people — even if transactional; because they have the flaw of breaking free from conventional social norms.

Social norms and implicit control < Transactional and/or outside social scripts

And as the World Health Organization so aptly puts it on sexuality: “Sexual health, when viewed positively, is understood as a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having enjoyable and safe sexual experiences, free from coercion, discrimination, and violence”.

To conclude, my works on resilience, agriculture and disasters were written by the early 2025s. They all reflect a common theme: how to rebuild or pursue things when everything has fallen apart.

Unfortunately for our fictional friend Jane, that was never possible in her universe — nor was it the intention of the filmmakers.

– To me when I was 24, and to those, past and present, who have experienced stigma –

BONUS 1 : Genesis of “Jane and I”

The story of “Jane and I” is a bit unusual. In early 2025, I wrote a long essay on the film Threads. I immediately noticed Jane in the film: “She and I have something”, “Why do I feel like she looks like me?”… I became attached to this character, but at the time, I couldn’t figure out why. But the question bothered me a lot. I even had a poster of her in my room (my favorite scene from the film: Jane at work in a textile factory) between copies of Torah scrolls, drawings, and photos of my cat “Twister.” I thought about it in my spare time. With the film Threads, I am embarking on a two-stage reflection on the film: collapse in the first year, then imagining the reconstruction necessary to arrive at the final scenes of the film 10 years later. The subject fascinates me, and it is now my “hobby”: writing articles on resilience or understanding the mechanics of collapse/reconstruction. But even at that point, I tell myself that there is something in Jane, Threads, resilience… something that speaks to me, but I don’t know what it is.

There are several things that are clear: in my previous work, I identified the burden weighing on the character (“dead womb”) and the gap between the images and what we want to do with her. But for months, there is nothing obvious connecting her to me. Several months later, in August, I heard the rumor about me again. I no longer want to back down as I did before, I want to take control: I have moved on, I have changed, I no longer depend on my peers, and above all, I met the “right person” at the age of 26 — then I met other people. I was never the problem.

Ironically, I have no problem with not having slept with anyone between the ages of 19 and 24, as I have always been looking for someone who meets very high standards. Objectively speaking, I am not ashamed today to admit to my late virginity and my expectations in relationships and sex… because I no longer depend on the opinions of men and women of my generation. I am 32, not 19 or 23. But that period was not neutral in terms of intimate interactions either. The problem: the rumor that places a burden of sexual/relational incompetence on me that is not mine, this clandestine meeting that means I cannot ignore the fact that some of these interactions may not have gone beyond a certain stage (even though I never pushed further) for a reason of “crass” exclusion. So I will have to take up the rumor against my will: yes, I did not have sexual relations between the ages of 19 and 24, but this can be explained by the exclusion of my peers and my own criteria. The second point is important, not to live in denial, but to remind you of my consistency from the beginning despite my flaws, like everyone else.

I decided to write a piece on the subject: Jane immediately comes to mind — the connection between her and me becomes clear at that precise moment. We are similar in many ways: textiles and sexual stigma (inability to procreate for her, “sexually non-viable” for me when I was younger). This text is an opportunity for me to express myself with all my sensitivity and my vision of things concerning sexuality and relationships. To express my entire atypical personality and, above all, to fully accept the gravity of this story, with my own words and explanations. To also talk about the aftermath, which was the subject of fantasies. To turn it into a text that transcends me: dignified sexuality, memories of past sexual violence (shaved heads, impotence trials, etc.)… with thoughtful iconography.

When I hear the rumor resurfacing at my workplace, I react immediately and that same evening I produce a first draft of “Jane and I” available in bilingual edition. The initial LinkedIn post of August 18, 2025 is quite “raw” and unpolished. I reacted in the heat of the moment after overhearing a disturbing discussion using the usual words associated with the rumor: “deactivated,” “virgin,” “no sexual relations”… The post published that same evening was quite blunt — perhaps clumsy and even potentially risky from a legal and social standpoint — but it was the first time in my life that I had put my own words to this story, which I initially limited to a matter of late virginity. I introduce several important concepts: stigmatization for sexual reasons, the connection with Jane, what we have in common (Jane unable to give birth / me not having had sex at the time), the idea of drawing a parallel between her and me, the fact that some teachers had picked up on it (something I heard during this discussion at work)… The post places a lot of emphasis on sexuality, but that is the core of the rumor anyway: otherwise, she did not have sex for five years. So even if it is very abrupt, it is a direct and honest way to talk about it, since that is the implication of the rumor.

It’s far from perfect, but it’s a first step toward regaining control. The post is updated a little later as I make progress on the final draft of the article I’m updating. The “shift” is gradual in order to discuss the real reason: the sexual exclusion described in the rumor that has been circulating for several years. Total refocus on intimacy and the idea of stigma, on social labeling, our common textile bond… I continue to update the essay on Medium in parallel, then publish a second LinkedIn post. This time, we do several things: civic responsibility regarding a harmful rumor, a reminder of the explicit facts, explanations of the absurdity of the rumor, and a conclusion on the goal of the essay “Jane and I.”

Finally, after two weeks and the final edits to “Jane and I,” it’s time to close this chapter. I am writing a post to calm things down and provide a final reminder of the facts. I insist on the need for everyone to turn the page, to forgive any mistakes I may have made in my youth and those of my female peers at the time: no one benefits from this sordid affair polluting or influencing everyone’s lives. But I remain firm on several points. First, our paths diverged when I was 24–25 years old. This resurgence of rumors is therefore a parenthesis in that breakup. Second, I reiterate that legal action will be taken if this persists. Finally, I forgive her and myself, and I wish everyone good luck with this epitaph: “May everyone continue on their own path.”

And finally, on September 30, 2025, I have to take a huge step: admit that my privacy has been violated by women my age. And above all: reveal the very likely cause of my exclusion. My refusal to have sex without emotional involvement and without protection, in the context of my abusive relationship with my sole girlfriend at the time. The initial vocabulary is abandoned: I am no longer “excluded” but the victim of an “imposed narrative.” I disassociate myself from the weight of the narrative to tell my story. The final versions of the LinkedIn posts are completed around October 3, 2025:

And finally, on October 3, 2025, the decision was made to delete the posts and merge them into a single summary document for legal purposes: experiences between the ages of 19 and 24, the facts and the truth, significant relationships after the age of 24, my essay Jane and I — A fictional alter ego, my LinkedIn posts (2025), what I remember, the conclusion, and two appendices (introduction to a legal document and facts objectively comparable to sexual or psychological abuse (period 19–24 years old). Then, on October 5, I published a case study about my story so that others could learn from it. The two LinkedIn posts:

BONUS 2 : Some key female figures

Just like the genesis of “Jane and I,” a short piece discussing female figures — fictional or real — who have challenged or influenced me, consciously or unconsciously. And who have therefore been influential in my journey of exclusion and subsequent resilience. I have never had a strong male figure in my life with whom I could identify or who could align with my deepest “self.” In the realm of fiction, I can think of two: Ellen Ripley (played by Sigourney Weaver) and Samus Aran (the bounty hunter in the Metroid video game series). They have something interesting in common with my period between the ages of 19 and 24: they have no “visible” sexuality. For Ellen Ripley, there may be some sexual tension suggested in the films, but nothing clearly visible and/or explicit — it remains very obscure. For Samus Aran, her role is to kill aliens — a character who is completely asexual in appearance, despite being female. Also: two independent fictional women struggling in hostile, silent environments where the threat is often implicit.

As for “real” figures, I already mentioned Virginie Despentes above. I could also mention Gloria Steinem — an influential figure in second-wave feminism in the United States — and Valérie Solanas — a radical feminist sometimes described as misandrist, but influential for her total radicalism — as well as Crystal Lee Sutton (an American trade unionist who inspired the central character in the film Norma Rae).

From left to right : Valérie Solanas, Virginie Despentes et Crystal Lee Sutton

The case could be interpreted as proof of the absolute power of women over men’s sexuality. This is, moreover, the traditional cliché and the classic anthropological interpretation. Why in my case could one say that we are emerging from a “sideline” or a classic invisibility? What is striking, for an observer, is the fact that I was never really isolated from my female peers at the time: I do not face the classic social isolation of young men excluded from the sexual market — even if my outing proposals do not materialize, the contact exists. The latter are generally kept away due to shyness, social difficulties or taboo criteria such as physical appearance, problematic behaviors or another stigma. For them: we are indeed in a classic invisibility by their female peers. And besides, not always because women unconsciously exclude them, but simply because these young men often do not attract their attention (discreet, reserved, isolated…). Something that can also happen to young women. For my part, there are many interactions of varying length over the period. What we notice, however, is that no interaction results in a lasting relationship. Something that can be interpreted as clumsiness on my part, relational rigidity on my part or other unspoken things, but this interpretation is no longer possible with the combination of the meeting, my “NO” and the rumor that has been circulating for several years. We are now entering the social mechanics for a simple reason:

The rumor itself assumes a collective side to what happened: we are in a logic of blockage organized in a collective and claimed way
The meeting and the terms used show that the logic is no longer simple invisibility (“he is immature”, “he does not know how to talk to women”, “he is shy”…) but in a logic of dehumanization and assumed violence (“we deactivated you from the beginning”, “sexual waste”…)
The meeting and the rumor claim the existence of a biased game (“you wouldn’t have had anything anyway”)
The numerous and sometimes ambiguous interactions demonstrate the existence of a potentially unhealthy game
Finally, the very existence of the rumor demonstrates the need to create a collective narrative that goes beyond the simple classic “feminine power,” and is part of a logic of justification (“he wanted power so we excluded him”)

For all these reasons, we are moving away from the classic situation of invisibility for young men to enter a logic that goes beyond the question of Men/Women, and which is that of a form of humiliation and/or coercive social control with the aim of harming a person. The issue here is no longer even sexual: we are trying to destabilize a person who no longer knows how to position themselves, they must manage problematic interactions and we want to erase their intimate free will. Men/Women relationships being what they are, it is often easier to exclude a Man than a Woman, but the mechanism remains the same.

What would have been classic “female power”: a series of firm and definitive “NO”s from all the women I dated at the time, but the reality is more complex: “YES,” “NO,” “I don’t know,” “GO-BACK” (saying “NO” and then coming back)… Some stories were short, others long… Coupled with the terrible rumor and the metting, this demonstrates a deviant mechanism.

Women (and also men) who interpret it differently should be mistaken. Men can do it too, and sometimes in even more humiliating ways. The most common case is “slut-shaming”: a young woman is given a terrible reputation to destroy her emotional and social value. Something that happened to Annie Ernaux when she was younger, and which she recounts in her book “Mémoire de fille” (Memories of a Girl). She suffered lasting and traumatic social exclusion following this experience in her younger years. The worst? “Revenge porn.” This time, intimacy is exploited to publicly destroy the young woman in question. Finally, everyone knows the expression “easy girls.” It’s cruel, but men pass the word around and “pass” (even if it’s vulgar) the young woman. Invisibility also concerns women, but for other reasons: age, menopause, or even status. In any case, the mechanics at work here demonstrate an organized desire to harm a person.

Version Française

Jane

Un petit article pour discuter de Jane, personnage du film Threads de 1984, et pourquoi elle compte pour moi suite à mes essais précédents sur Threads que vous pouvez également trouver sur Medium :

Lorsque j’ai vu Threads pour la première fois il y a quelques années, j’ai été choqué par deux choses : la façon dont tout s’est effondré l’année suivant l’attaque, avec une impression de normalité totale, et le portrait écœurant de la jeune Jane dans le film. Dans Threads, Jane est une jeune fille née l’année suivant l’attaque nucléaire d’une femme nommée Ruth.

Jane dans les dernières scènes du film

Les dernières scènes du film la suivent à travers un Royaume-Uni détruit, une décennie après l’attaque. En lisant les critiques et les avis sur le film en ligne, j’ai été consterné de voir comment un film censé mettre en garde contre l’inhumanité était en fait un prétexte pour publier et promouvoir des commentaires écœurants sur un personnage innocent, même s’il est fictif. Comme je l’ai dit dans mon dernier essai : « Quelques réflexions profondes sur Threads” :

Concernant l’idée de traiter les survivants comme des « épaves humaines », ce que les cinéastes ont fait (ou tenté de faire) avec le personnage de Jane est inacceptable. Une jeune fille travaillant et se coordonnant avec d’autres (travail des champs, recyclage de vêtements dans le cadre d’une activité coordonnée — consignes, travail collectif, dextérité — vol de nourriture, recherche d’un hôpital, etc.), est présentée comme si son cerveau avait potentiellement « fondu » sous l’effet des radiations. Cela nous pose un problème majeur, quels que soient l’âge du personnage, son caractère fictif ou non, ou son sexe. Ce qui est en jeu ici, c’est toute une façon de concevoir l’humanité d’une personne. Un problème dans une œuvre de fiction classique, une réalité inacceptable dans un film aux références académiques et scientifiques qui se veut réaliste.

Le comportement de Jane dans le film résume tout le problème de Threads : elle dit le contraire de ce qui est montré à l’écran. C’est très simple. La concernant : à l’écran, rien n’indique une déficience mentale.

La scène de l’accouchement à la fin du film a été réalisée avec un objectif pervers et douteux : transformer une jeune fille relativement vulnérable (très jeune, ayant perdu sa mère et ses proches, dans un environnement relativement complexe) en preuve du déclin terminal de l’humanité, dans une ville d’avant-guerre dotée d’un hôpital et de l’éclairage public dans certaines rues. Une jeune fille fictive — d’après les images du film lui-même — parfaitement normale, travailleuse et compétente, mais silencieuse et discrète, qui ne doit être qu’une seule chose selon les cinéastes (malgré toutes les preuves visuelles de leur film) : une non-personne, quelque chose de sans valeur, un débris humain, un utérus inapte.

J’ai senti que c’était important dans mon essai «Royaume-Uni 1985–1994 : explication du saut narratif dans Threads (1984)” de discuter de façon adulte des conditions de vie et d’évolution de ce personnage au sein de l’univers du film. Comme je l’ai écrit dans cette longue section :

Il est également important d’aborder la scène finale de Threads. Contrairement à une idée reçue : les fausses couches et les mortinaissances sont monnaie courante, même selon les normes modernes. L’échange nucléaire a eu lieu il y a plus de dix ans, et Ruth était déjà enceinte avant. La naissance de Jane a eu lieu plusieurs mois plus tard. Hormis sa façon de parler anglais (un élément culturel et commun aux autres enfants), Jane ne présente aucun signe extérieur d’inaptitude physique. De nombreux facteurs pourraient être en jeu (non abordés par le film). Par exemple, l’absence totale de bilan de santé et d’échographie pour évaluer la santé du bébé pendant la grossesse. L’âge « optimal » pour être enceinte est généralement considéré entre 20 et 30 ans pour les femmes. Jane n’avait que 13 ans lorsqu’elle a décidé d’accoucher à l’hôpital de fortune. Il est intéressant de noter que sa grossesse est probablement due à l’agression et au viol qu’elle a subis après avoir volé du pain.

Peu abordé par les critiques, le fait est que le jeune personnage fictif est objectivé comme un système reproducteur défaillant. Elle est moi, nous partageons donc d’une certaine manière, plusieurs points communs. C’est pourquoi je ne peux rester indifférent à la façon dont elle est traitée, tant dans le film que par les critiques. Bien que moins dramatique que le sort de cette jeune fille dans le film, le fait est que j’ai « survécu » d’une certaine manière à une période difficile de ma vie. Alors, parlons franchement de ce que signifie pour une personne réelle — comme Jane dans le film — d’être publiquement réduit à sa sexualité.

19–24

Entre 19 et 24 ans, j’ai été mis à l’écart de ce que l’on pourrait appeler le marché des rencontres, simplement parce que j’avais été exclu d’office du monde sexuel par mes pairs — et j’ai longtemps cru que cela était lié à ma virginité même si cela n’avait en fait rien à voir. Mon attente à l’époque — et encore aujourd’hui — était de construire une relation sérieuse. Je n’ai rien contre la spontanéité, mais je n’ai jamais voulu m’engager sexuellement avec quelqu’un si je n’éprouvais pas une réelle attache pour aller au-delà d’un simple rapport sexuel. Le fait est aussi que je refusais de me plier à des règles absurdes, comme être contraint d’accepter tout est n’importe quoi sous prétexte que j’étais un jeune homme. Le mieux que j’ai fait pour éviter d’être publiquement pris pour cible à cause de ma virginité était de mentir et de paraître sûr de moi. Je me suis retrouvé coincé pour plusieurs raisons. Admettre mon inexpérience et mon désir d’une relation sincère ? Impossible, voire ridicule. Admettre mon inexpérience et accepter de “régler le problème” ? Impossible sans trahir mes principes. Mentir et enjoliver ? Pas très solide, un peu puéril, mais au moins, cela évite les attaques frontales en public. Le contexte n’était pas le bon et j’étais trop observé : je n’aurais même pas pu faire ce que j’ai fait à 26 ans, dire les choses franchement à ma partenaire avant de passer à l’acte.

Qui suis-je en matière de relations ? Je pense que cela remonte à mon enfance. Trois événements marquants ont façonné ma vision du sujet :

Quand j’étais jeune, on m’a souvent demandé ce que je souhaitais en termes d’intimité ou de vie amoureuse, et je répondais : « Je veux être avec quelqu’un, mais c’est tout. » Un jour, on m’a demandé ce que je ferais du mariage : « Quelque chose de simple, juste elle et moi, dans un endroit simple. »
Un souvenir assez banal, mais que je peux maintenant analyser avec mes yeux d’adulte : ma capacité à séduire les gens en brisant les codes sociaux habituels. C’était au collège. J’ai réussi à capter l’attention de la “queen bee” et à passer du temps avec elle. C’est une anecdote amusante, car pour la première fois de ma scolarité, j’étais au fond de la classe — je suis arrivé en retard — à côté de la fille la plus populaire, on a commencé à parler spontanément, on a ri, elle m’a dit que j’étais mignon, on a commencé à se prendre dans les bras et à se regarder sur le banc.
Un dernier « petit » souvenir (de l’école primaire) qui explique peut-être mon penchant pour les profils atypiques. Cette jeune fille est perçue comme étrange par les autres. Les garçons ne la fréquentent pas. J’ai entendu deux adultes parler d’un « problème ». Elle est jolie, mais les autres l’évitent, alors elle doit fréquenter sa seule amie. Étonnamment, elle connaît mon nom. À deux reprises, elle me dit « Salut Simon » avec un grand sourire. Je n’ose pas lui répondre, voulant faire comme tout le monde.

Mon rapport aux femmes est je pense guidé par mes lectures de jeunesse (à tort ou à raison). Et plus particulièrement par ma “mère littéraire” de jeunesse : Virginie Despentes. C’est une des mes sœurs qui m’introduit au personnage. Je suis septique au début : elle devient ma boussole intellectuelle en tant qu’adolescent puis jeune adulte, et sans doute après de manière inconsciente. Les premières pages de “King Kong Théorie” provoquent un fort blocage en moi — j’ai peut-être 15–16 ans, je trouve les mots un peu durs et choquants sur les hommes notamment — mais je décide de poursuivre jusqu’au bout. Je sors de cette lecture convaincu par le style, les idées et la franchise brute de l’auteur sur les hommes et les femmes; et j’achète ses autres livres que je relis plusieurs fois pour certains (comme “Les jolies choses”). On a un point commun : on vient tous les deux de Nancy. Mon roman préféré ? “Les chiennes savantes”. Ce que j’aime dans l’écriture de Virginie Despentes : franchise sur l’intime, la sexualité, les rapports hommes/femmes et un respect éternel pour les figures féminines exclues ou marginales. Virginie Despentes a elle-même connu plus jeune la marginalité. J’ai lu son roman et vu le film “Baise-moi” : j’ai aimé et respecté la franchise sans filtre de l’auteur sur les rapports hommes-femmes.

Comme elle, j’ai aussi eu plus jeune des problèmes d’ordre psychiatrique de l’ordre de la psychose. A l’époque, il était question que je prenne du “Risperdal” en général utilisé pour combattre des symptômes proches de la schizophrénie, de la bipolarité et pour les troubles de l’humour au sens large. Adulte, je dois reprendre temporairement le traitement quelques mois après un épisode de grande fatigue. A l’époque de mes 19–24 ans, je ne suis plus sous traitement.

Je pense qu’un autre auteur a profondément influencé mon rapport à la sexualité. Il s’agit de Sigmund Freud. Je lis un été, adolescent, son ouvrage “Trois essais sur la théorie sexuelle” paru en 1905. J’ai une sexualité depuis toujours, comme tout le monde, mais ces trois essais — considérés comme l’apport le plus majeur à l’étude de ce domaine depuis leurs parutions — m’ouvrent tout un champ d’introspection intellectuel et personnel sur le domaine. Publiés à une époque où discuter de sexualité est un scandale et un tabou majeur, Freud lui casse les barrières pour le bien de tous et une meilleure compréhension d’une composante essentielle — si ce n’est centrale — de la nature humaine : la sexualité. Ces trois essais m’apportent énormément sur la compréhension et la consolidation d’une identité sexuelle/affective cohérente chez un individu. Dans ses trois essais, Freud évoque d’abord les déviances (“Les aberrations sexuelles”) puis la sexualité infantile et adolescente (“La sexualité infantile”) et (“Les reconfigurations de la puberté”). Inconsciemment, c’est peut-être au travers de cette lecture que j’apprends moi-même à remodeler mon approche de la sexualité. Mon besoin d’une cohérence sous la forme de cette équation.

Relation sérieuse + Sexualité intégrée

Quoi qu’on ait pu faire, rien n’aurait pu effacer ce stigmate. Tout était perçu comme dégoûtant par mes pairs (hommes et femmes) : parler ou ne pas parler à une femme, être seul ou avec quelqu’un, dire « non » ou « oui » à quelqu’un… Dans les rares relations que j’ai pu avoir, on m’a mis la pression pour que j’accepte des choses que je ne voulais pas faire, ce qui a finalement conduit à la rupture. On m’a également refusé le droit d’avoir le moindre choix — que ce soit dire « non » ou avoir des préférences affectives/sexuelles. La seule relation officielle avec ma petite amie qui a duré quelques mois a été difficile : pas de sentiments, pas d’intérêts communs… Je suis amoureux au début mais quelque chose ne va pas : elle est “trop lisse”, elle ne me montre pas son univers intérieur. Cela se transforme en blocage sexuel chez moi. La relation est à l’image de son appartement où l’on passe souvent du temps : trop clean, trop rangé, très propre et donc pas nette.

Moi

J’avoue que j’étais loin d’être parfait, moi aussi : comme avec cette femme avec qui il était évident que nos objectifs relationnels étaient irréconciliables, j’ai attendu des années de disputes pour enfin admettre devant elle que je n’étais pas comme elle. Trop de discussions et d’interactions sans but précis. Également cette posture aujourd’hui déformée : vouloir une relation égalitaire, être entreprenant, être simplement sociable, avoir le sens du contact — une qualité dans le monde professionnel — pouvoir/vouloir décider de ce qui me convient ou pas — ce qui est toujours le cas aujourd’hui — … caricaturé sous la forme d’une rumeur douteuse “il pensait avoir le pouvoir donc on l’a exclu pendant 5 ans”. Ou encore, avoir été trop dur avec cette femme qui s’excusait sincèrement de ses erreurs et souhaitait se remettre ensemble. Je n’étais pas non plus fier de cette relation courte et difficile où tout le monde se moquait de cette femme pour son incapacité à gérer la situation à sa façon — tout ça, en admettant mon ignorance du “sous-jacent” dont je discute plus tard.

Comme Jane, je n’ai jamais été défini ni respecté pour ma capacité à travailler, créer ou agir avec les autres ; mais seulement par quelque chose de profondément intime dans ma vie privée. Jane peut travailler aussi bien aux champs qu’à l’usine : le film insiste sur le fait qu’elle n’est qu’une ombre. Jane est définie, tant dans le film que dans les critiques, comme incapable de procréer (un « utérus mort et inutile »). Moi, j’ai fini par apprendre lors d’une réunion clandestine à la fin de mon parcours d’étude que je n’étais défini que comme incapable d’avoir des relations sexuelles ou comme un partenaire non viable. Plus il était évident que quelque chose n’allait pas — la plupart de mes interactions à l’époque étaient conflictuelles, ambiguës, rapidement avortées par moi/elle — moins mes tentatives de dissimuler le sujet publiquement étaient convaincantes.

Je partage d’autres traits avec cette jeune fille. Dans « Threads », Jane est vue seule et silencieuse, alors que rien à l’écran ne justifie une telle situation. Le fait est aussi que j’étais solitaire, ce qui n’était certes pas un défaut, mais pas une qualité à cette époque de ma vie. Etonnamment, malgré ma solitude, j’ai une vie sociale de façade relativement “riche” à certains moments. Cela fait que je suis parfois approché par des personnes (hommes ou femmes) dans des situations peu enviables sur le plan sexuel/affectif. Ma sociabilité est parfois remarquée et amène des questions gênantes. C’est peut-être la seule fois où je peux être honnête : “ce n’est pas grand chose, ce n’est pas très intéressant”. Par franchise, et par sympathie pour eux. A titre personnel, je ne me suis jamais senti frustré sexuellement : mes attentes relationnelles sont fortes depuis longtemps, je me connais physiquement et j’ai un univers intérieur riche. Je ne vis pas avec mes envies comme si c’était la seule chose au monde. Ce n’est pas le cas de ces personnes que je rencontre, et cela me déstabilise beaucoup. Que veut dire se connaître physiquement ? Plus jeune j’étais dès fois un peu las du côté mécanique de la chose — pour le dire pudiquement. C’est sur un site pour femmes que j’ai découvert plusieurs choses importantes : apprendre à savoir ce qui était de l’ordre de l’utile et du non-utile (un peu comme avec la cigarette pour les fumeurs). Apprendre également à avoir une meilleure conscience de mon image corporelle et à “m’apprivoiser”. Sur plusieurs mois, j’ai donc réussi à réaliser un forme de courbe descendante pour limiter ses moments aux plus utiles et agréables.

La photographie : une passion sur mon temps libre que j’ai re-découvert étant étudiant